some notes for the significant people i’ve made out with this year
girl, you were in love with me, but when i kissed you i didn’t mean it. i swear i tried my hardest to mean it, but unfortunately you are awful and unloveable. sorry.
girl, as soon as i met you i knew you’d fuck my life over. i totally let you do it, and i was so happy to be blinded by your dazzling personality. cheating on my girlfriend with you was a mistake (so were all the other times we fucked, and in fact everything i did with/for you), but these were not mistakes i regret making
boy, i only thought i was into you because dazzling-personality-girl fucked you that once. whoops.
girl, i made out with you out of severe, severe pity. you emotionally blackmailed me into it, that wasn’t cool.
girls (x2), yuck. you both are nice, stupid and uninteresting.
boys and girls (x10), what a crazy, oversexed bus ride. that was an experience and a half
girl, you’re the first stranger i’ve ever had the balls to pick up from a night club. it’s a milestone and i’m proud of it! sorry you turned out to be boring and retarded.
boy, you’re the first stranger from a night club to ever get me to go home with him. it kinda looked like maybe we’d end up doing something didn’t it… you’re a cool guy though. props.
boy, you still make my head swim. you probably don’t know you do it, but you have this wonderful thing where you squint at me every time you’re about to say something wonderful to me and make my heart burst. kissing you for mere seconds made me unbelievably wet. this is a gift, and i think we should sleep together.
girl, when a girl makes out with you, that is not your cue to start singing Katy Perry. i was so hard for you for weeks and then limp within two seconds of you doing that.
girl, you’ve wanted me bad for ages, and i like that, because you’re smart, fascinating, hot, and hilarious, and the sex was fun but… i’m in love with your partner and not you. sorry.
boy, my head was incorrect when i slept with you. you’d be so depressed to know this, but i totally go through your facebook photos sometimes, laughing at myself for making such a movie-esque mistake.
boy, i love you so much. i think i’ve finally accepted that it will never happen between us. i love making out with you, and now that we’ve both agreed we can only ever be friends we are having some of the best sex of my entire life, and um… well… i’d really like to lose my virginity to you, if you’d be up for that…? one day, i will work up enough nerve to ask you. one day.
girl, i like you a lot (as a friend), and i know you really want me, but i only kissed you in the hopes it might help raise your self-esteem. you are fun to be around and physically attractive, so please get over the body-image problems, pleeease.
boy, i can’t BELIEVE we did what we did! it totally had about a 1% chance of happening. everything about what we did was so wrong. it was just so wrong. and now i’m all pretending it’s cool and unimportant when really i loved it and you’re pretending you regret the mistake but really you loved it and it was no accident. and it’s bleedingly clear that we both want to do it again badly but fuck, we have to suppress that okay? it has bad idea written aalllll over it.
girl, you are supermodel-stunning. and intelligent, sweet, and interesting. all this time you were “not my type” - in other words, i thought you were way, way out of my league - but apparently you don’t really agree with this? well wow, that sure works for me! i will totally go as slow as you want and date you and spend time getting to know you and everything.
